This is the most difficult thing that I am going to pen down, but I have to do this for two reasons, firstly because I promised my Dad that I will write a eulogy for him(yes we did have a conversation about death) and secondly because I want to put all the things that I am thinking about him right now so that it should not get lost or become a blurry memory.
It hasn't been long since my Dad passed on, he breathed his last on 23rd November, 2021. It's been very difficult to lose him, I miss his presence, his voice, him nagging me for all the little things, in fact, I am crying/sobbing right now while writing this.
Death has never been a pleasant conversation but it is the ultimate Truth. I saw my dad suffering through a lot of things, health being one of them. The last time he got really un-well I went through a crazy lot of emotions and it made me bargain and make peace with the fact that I will lose him one day.
From the last incident, I made sure that I spent a huge chunk of my time with my parents, I never missed a chance to meet them. Fortunately, I got a job that allowed me to stay with them as much as I can. I had a lot of other plans as well which won't be the same now.
If I am being honest, his death is the ultimate loss but I think the process of losing him started way back. I only got to be aware of it by 2018, when I could see him change, he started having trouble walking, and winters use to make him suffer even more because he was asthmatic. I remember running to ER while he had a heart attack. I could see myself losing him bit by bit, breath by breath and I saw his breath turning into the air the last time.
I feel sad that he is no more but I feel relieved that he isn't suffering anymore. It's very fortunate that I could be with him when he breathed his last. I believe that he is at peace where ever he is right now. I have promised myself that I am going to celebrate his life and the way he used to live it. He had a very fulfilled life.
Thinking back to the time, I recall the love of music and literature he had and I get a bit of what he had. And, a lot of my moral conditioning revolves around the verses he told me.
One of the first couplets, he shared with me was:
Hubaab-e-bahar is seekh wo kaise sir uthata hai. Tasaffur wo buri shaeh hai ki wo phoot jata hai.
He was telling how pride comes before the fall taking the example of a water bubble. This roughly translates to, Look how fast the bubble rises to the surface, but pride takes the bubble to nothingness.
He has taught me to never take success or achievements to head. He use to say:
Mere Walid(father) ne dehleez neechi banayi, Bola Beta jhook ke chalo, jhookne se uchaai badhti hai.
(I can't really translate this, sorry!)
He was trying to teach me the value of being humble, being humble in your thoughts, being humble in your actions.
Whenever I use to get scared about the uncertainties of life, he was always ready to say:
Jab tak sir salamat hai, tamasha ghus ke dkhenge.
Till we have the last breath in this body, we will live to the fullest.
He, in his own way, took the fear of failure out of me. I have never seen any kind of hesitation in his voice no matter what the circumstances were. He use to imagine the worst and accept it, this used to take the fear of failure away.
One of the poets that he introduced me to was Allama Iqbal, he use to follow and love his way of writing.
He taught me to never settle, thrive for more, thrive for greatness. He often used to ask me about my decision, "Do you really want to do this?" and if I flinched even a bit, he bluntly use to tell, "You are not ready, think more, understand deeply why you want to do and then come to me again".
"yaqīñ mohkam amal paiham mohabbat fātah-e-ālam jihād-e-zindagānī meñ haiñ ye mardoñ kī shamshīreñ"
He always wanted to search and convey to me the way to live a better life.
I have so many good memories and so many stories of our travel and adventure that I can go on and on. There is a thing about separation, when a person you love exists in reality and it's there in your life then you need a trigger to remember them, it can be anything, it can their favorite food or things that you use to do together but once the person is gone they occupy a constant space in your thoughts, they are constantly there. You don't need a trigger or occasion to remember them, you just do.
Thank you, Papa, for making me the man I am. You will forever be loved and remembered.